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And, when you do, why doesn’t it work out?
I regularly get approached by people looking for a mentor. Many of them are dealing with a crisis. They are seeking out someone who is met and overcome challenges they are facing. But they are not all the same in their hidden agendas. I tend to divide them into two broad categories.
The group I want to focus on now, I call the recidivists. For these, during the initial conversation, it becomes clear that there is a history of advisors, consultants, and mentors. They have moved from one to another, often after relatively short periods, in search of what they need. They tend to fall into seven broad categories. Each has its own characteristics, but the bottom line is that their mentoring relationships haven’t worked out. If I decide to go ahead and work with them, my first challenge is getting them to recognize how past behaviors have sabotaged mentoring relationships. And then how to avoid those behaviors.
Why are you finding it so difficult to build a productive relationship with a mentor? That’s the question on the table at the beginning of the first session. Here are some of the answers to that question:
The Butterfly: I call this the “shiny bright object” approach to mentoring. The pattern is clear and continuously repeated. An individual will move from one advisor, consultant, or mentor to another. Never developing a deeper relationship, never establishing any intimacy or deep understanding, and never reaping any substantial benefits. The principal residual is a rising frustration. All that time spent and very little to show for it. But that’s not due to the mentors. It’s a direct result of a tendency to chase the newest shiny bright object.
The Bower Bird: This type is different from the Butterfly. Instead of moving from one mentor to another, the Bower Bird collects them. The idea here is that, the more advisors, consultants and mentors I have, the more important I am. The more desirable I am as a potential partner. But it doesn’t take much work to discover that the result is a cacophony of often conflicting advice and a singular lack of forward progress. The focus on getting as many gold stars as possible sabotages the possibility of personal growth. It also ensures that none of the mentoring relationships will develop any depth.
The Distraction: A distractor seeks out mentoring relationships in order to pave over their own suspicion of self-bad-faith. They are certain that they are far less than they are pretending to be. That there is little chance of improvement. And so, they go through the motions of seeking out mentors while believing that such a relationship will be unproductive. They get a rush from being mentored. But deep down, they know it’s not going to work.
The Aversion: This type is similar to the Distractions. But it’s not just a suspicion of self-bad-faith. It’s a fear of touching who they really are. Deep feelings of inadequacy, paranoia, and fear of the judgment of others results in a wall that prevents anything from the “outside” touching what is seen as the rotting core. The tension between wanting help and being afraid of actually getting it results in a series of brief, shallow conversations with potential mentors.
The Narcissist: It seems to be an indication of the time that individuals are increasingly narcissistic. The result is that they try to turn mentoring relationships into a one-way street. It’s all about them. They see the mentor as a vendor rather than as a human being. They don’t ask the basic question, “What are you looking for out of this relationship and how can I help you get it?” It comes as a shock to them that a mentor might have a purpose and a goal in mentoring them.
The Completeness Doctrine: Some years back I wrote an article with that title. The premise was that some individuals see themselves as fully developed, not needing to learn more either about themselves or the world as they find it. This type tends to value their opinion over contradicting facts. As a result, they seek out a mentor but secretly believe that the mentor has nothing to teach them. I remember encountering one such individual who told me, “I really don’t need a mentor, but all of my friends have one.”
The Slacker: This final type can generally establish an initial relationship with a mentor only to find it becomes quickly unproductive. Most mentors will decide to work with a person expecting that they will do the heavy lifting necessary to take advantage of what the mentor can contribute. In other words, they turn out to be far more seriously committed to the relationship than the person they’re working with. It’s like a music teacher who gives a student an assignment to master a particular technique only to find that, between sessions, the student has not been practicing. A mentor in such a relationship will quickly come to ask the question, “What’s the use?”
These are just a few of the ways you can sabotage the possibility of establishing a productive mentoring relationship that will change your life. It’s important to remember that the person on the other side of such a relationship is a human being who is willing to commit to help you through some major challenges or to open new possibilities. None of the types I’ve listed above are capable of that. And, if you are not, your attempts to establish a productive relationship with a mentor will fail. To succeed in a mentoring relationship, you must start by following the recommendation of the Oracle at Delphi, “First, know thyself.”
© Earl Smith
