Earl R Smith II, PhD
Chief@Dr-Smith.info
Dr-Smith.info
One of the indicators of emotional intelligence is the way certain individuals seek out, and take in, information about the people they encounter. Most people are passive recipients. By that I mean that the information they gather is presented to them. A person may exhibit a certain behavior, make a certain pattern of statements, respond in a predictable way to situations, or just be a certain way most of the time. In the old days, we used to call these people watchers.
But there’s another kind of person who has developed the ability to proactively stimulate the offering of information by others. Rather than being passive recipients, these are proactive seekers. Their objective is to understand the people that they meet without waiting for them to reveal themselves. And there is a good reason for them doing this.
Most people have, by the time they reach early adulthood, evolved an avatar that they put forward as a virtual representation of themselves. It’s a reflexively human undertaking. The avatar is who they tell people they are. For the most part, it has all the virtues (or, more properly, hoped for a virtues) and none of the warts of the person they secretly suspect they are. This manufactured reality is a stand-in for they, the “real person”.
The most emotionally intelligent individuals always focus on seeing the puppet master behind the avatar. Think of it as seeking out the wizard behind the curtain. They tend to do this because their preference is to deal with real people rather than a virtual representation. There are several ways that the seekers get to see what’s behind the curtain. Here are just seven of them
The Kindness Test: Let’s say you’re in a conversation with someone. You purposely make a misstatement of fact. Not a fact of enormous importance. And not an egregious misstatement. Something that just doesn’t matter much. Then you watch how the other person responds. You’ll generally get one of three reactions. The first, and most common, is that they will overlook your misstatement. This can occur either because they missed it or they’re afraid to respond. That tells you something about them. The second is that they correct you definitively and derisively. The third is that they gently suggest an alternative to your misstatement. So, this test allows you to determine whether they are asleep, abusive, or reflexively kind.
The Compassion Test: Suppose, during a conversation, you appear to lose your train of thought. What does the response of the person you’re talking to tell you about them? You might say something like, “I forgot what I was going to say”. Often a person will respond by trying to stimulate your memory. Describe what the two of you were talking about. That’s going to tell you that they are more focused on the topics under discussion than you as a person. But people who have an inherently compassionate response will first address your confusion. Often, they will say something like, “yeah, that happens to me too. I get these senior moments.” That’s an indication of compassion for the human condition, including yours.
The Gratitude Test: This is a mirror image of the kindness test. A person that you are talking to makes a misstatement. You correct them in a kindly and supportive manner. They will have one of three reactions. The first is that they will respond aggressively to being called out. These are people who do not like to be wrong. Who do not like people to point out that they are wrong. The second is an argumentative response. They will simply disagree with your correction and a debate will ensue about which of you is correct. The third kind of response is evidence of gratitude. They will thank you for your kindly support and for keeping them from appearing uninformed.
The Awareness Test: This is not a test about being aware of what is going on around you. It’s a test of how you appear to other people. Let’s say you meet someone who is a loud talker. But they are completely unaware of the impact of their volume and how it makes him seem to others. Or let’s suppose that they have a tendency to appear narcissistically self-involved. If you are paying attention to the person you’re talking to, you will detect these tendencies early on in the relationship. If you mention their behavior and the impact it is having, you will gain important information about their ability to be self-aware. And self-correcting. People who are not self-aware are like live grenades with the pin pulled out. Sooner or later…
The Openness Test: Relationships evolve as two people begin to share more of their inner feelings. Sometimes this is described as becoming vulnerable to each other. You can generally get a good idea, early on in a relationship, whether or not it is going to advance to that stage. Let’s suppose you share something which would not qualify as “cocktail conversation”. You’re going to get one of three responses. The first is uncomfortable avoidance. Consider that as a stop sign. The second is going to be a contentless observation. “Wow, that must’ve been terrible.” The third is going to be a combination of gratitude for sharing and an indication of reciprocity. The best variation of this response avoids the tit-for-tat formula. A person shares something else about their life. Then the Rubicon has been crossed.
The Cult Test: People who are members of a cult tend to repeat certain behaviors. They go into their Cult Dance at the drop of a hat. If you want to identify one of these types, drop a few hats. There are a couple of reasons why this test is very useful. The first, and unless you are looking for a cult to join, is to identify this kind of a person early on in the relationship. The second is to become aware of their behaviors so that you don’t subject your friends to them.
The Attitude Indicator: There are people who are reflexively negative. These are people who will ignore the silver lining and focus on the cloud. They’re easy to spot. Just make a mildly negative observation. The ref-negs automatically intensify the negativity. Run this test three or four times and you will have a good idea that this is not the kind of person you want to spend much time with. A variation of the reflexively negative is the reflexively denigrating. You can easily spot these people by making a mildly critical observation on a person. They will quickly double down and extend. Keep in mind, that the way they talk about others in your presence will be the way they talk about you when you’re not present.
What I’ve described above are ways that people, who are more intensely engaged in what is going on around them, approach the people they meet. They use these tests, and many more, to decide who they’re going to spend time with. Who is worth engaging in conversations. Who they want to develop closer relationships with.
Rather than being passive recipients of information, they go out and aggressively seek it. And there is a very good reason why they do that. Why would you wait three days to find out what you can discover in ten minutes of conversation? Why would you wait those three days? Why would you spend time with someone only to discover later that it has been wasted? If you find those questions important, then you might find what I’ve described above useful.
© Earl R. Smith II, PhD
